A TALE OF TOO MANY UNIVERSAL MASTERS, Chapter 1: The First Episode

 

And the day came.

A day unlike any other.

A day when the conflict of Eternia reached its peak, its zenith: in the heart of Castle Grayskull, among the Flames of Creation and Ices of Entropy, among the flashes of light of Absolute Order and the unreal lightnings of Chaos Primordial, two rivals were doing battle once more.

The Sword of Power was clashing time and time again with the Havoc Staff, in one last battle for the destiny of everything, and while both the Masters of the Universe and their opponents were lying on the ground, mutually annihilated by that cataclysmic last war, their super-human leaders were yet fighting, with a force and might that was shaking galaxies, teaching fear to black holes, making supernovas avert their gaze and brought the fundamental laws of the cosmos on their knees, forcing them to change lest they contradicted the Warlords.

He-Man, the Strongest, Most Powerful Man in the Entire Universe, once again was opposing the nefarious goals of Skeletor, the Scourge of Eternia.

Their battle had gone beyond time and space, dimensions and timelines, but finally it would have reached its just conclusion... and nothing would have stayed as it was before, ever again.

Outside of the Castle, core of the mystical forces of the Cosmos, the full bulk of the scale-bound armies of King Hiss was waiting, to take the winner, whoever might be, unprepared, and strike with the element of surprise against a weakened foe.

Eternia would have been finally theirs, once and for all.

But then, suddenly... everything changed.

The conflict was snuffed out like a short candle, and not with an explosion of triumphant glory that oddly resembled a night of unprotected carnal passions between a Frank Frazetta pin-up and the cover art of an Epic Metal Album from the '90s.

It was the beginning of a completely new tale.

It was the beginning... of A Tale of Too Many Universal Masters.

 

<<Yeah, this is bull.>> said He-Man, putting the sword down.

<<What are you doing?>> asked Teela, managing to get up, using her staff to stand.

<<Too late, sweet-cheeks, the bullshit hath been called upon.>> He-Man dismissed her.

Skeletor was wary... a trick? Some attempt at buying time for the Sorceress to heal the Masters, so that they could attack him in force, perhaps?

Still, He-Man didn't seem preoccupied with fighting back... maybe it was the right occasion to kill him for good, but... all of that situation did seem bizarre, so it was best to thread carefully.

<<How long have we been doing this?>> asked He-Man, suddenly, breaking the silence <<I mean, it has been over forty Grayskull-damned years! I'm pretty sure we both died at least once each... and yet, nothing ever stops!>>

<<I'm not sure I'm following...>> interjected Skeletor, scratching his skull, perplexed.

<<Time travels!>> shouted He-Man <<Alternate time-lines! Life, death, journeys to parallel dimensions and whatnot!>>

<<Ah, yes, I turned into a cross between Shao Kahn and a Knight of the Zodiac, one of those times... also, that time you used a laser gun, rather than your ludicrously over-powered sword of the “Whatever the literal fuck the plot demands”...>> mused the Scourge of Eternia.

<<Precisely!>> pointed out the blonde <<Get this: we Masters have insanely powerful cosmic warriors, like Zodac, Mossman and, well, myself. I fought the Silver Age Superman to a standstill, I should be able to dispose of your entire army by squinting my eyelids at them really, really hard! Not to mention that you can, canonically, create celestial bodies from thin air... why didn't you throw a blue star going supernova into my face and called it a day?>>

<<He does have a point...>> came Beastman's voice, kinda muffled by virtue of his face having being fisted by Fisto into the floor.

<<The moment I will require your opinion about anything more important than what kind of moss is best to peel off calcified shit from your ass fur, I will point my Staff at my face and blast my skull across half a continent, you sorry excuse for a missing link!>> shouted Skeletor, the benevolent CEO of Evil that he was.

<<By the way, who are you?>> asked He-Man <<More importantly... what are you?>>

<<I'm not sure I'm following you...>> was once again Skeletor's answer, as he cocked an eyebrow.

<<That! Precisely that!>> explained He-Man, pointing at said eyebrow <<How do you do that? Your head is a skull! You're not supposed to have facial mimicry! Moreover... why is just your head a skull? Why is the rest of your body blue and strangely jacked? What's your relationship to me as a person? Are you King Randor's brother Keldor? Are you just a guy named Keldor who got acid in his face? Is any of that still canon? Are you an inter-dimensional demon? How and why did you work with Hordak, before that asshole kidnapped my sister just to be a dick?>>

<<You... do have a point.>> conceded Skeletor.

<<It was wrong when I said it, wasn't it?>> lamented Beast-Man, in an unusual display of sarcasm.

<<Precisely.>> was Skeletor's answer.

<<I need a pause from this mess of a war.>> explained He-Man.

<<Yeah, it did grow stale after the first few decades...>> admitted Skeletor <<Pack up, guys! Back to the Snake Mountain!>>

<<I had another idea, actually...>> suggested He-Man, while Teela was using her new-found powers from the “Revelation” series to heal the Masters <<How about we go... somewhere else? Outside of Eternia, on a neutral ground?>>

<<Yeah, that's doable. But where?>>

Not Much Later

Earth

Somewhere in the USA

<<Yeah, me and the guys meet often to play in the next room of this basement, but I guess that, since we need the money and not the entire basement, I can sub-rent you a part of it for your club. The guys upstairs are okay with it, so...>>

The man speaking was a young Earth Caucasian Human, with long red hair, a jeans jacket, and a shirt with a D20 showing a “1”.

 

<<Name's Connor Thompson, by the way. Game Master for job and vocation. Hope you'll find yourself at home.>>

Skeletor and He-Man were in the basement of a game-store called “New Avalon”, and where talking with the man who was renting part of said basement from the owners of the store, who in turn where renting the space for the store by the Landlord.

<<By the way...>> asked Skeletor <<Who is the Landlord?>>

Connor simply pointed to a sign.

 

<<Lovely.>> commented He-Man, as he entered the room.

It was not the richest place he had been to, but it would do.

Surely better than being covered in green slime by Skeletor's weird gargoyle-fountain thingy.

<<Now, how much can you afford to pay?>>

It was at that moment that it dawned on both He-Man and Skeletor that they did not, in fact, have any form of Earthling currency.

And thus, a plan was concocted: finding other characters of Cosmic Stature, to share with them the costs and benefit.

Soon, the auditions to enter the Cosmic Club started...

<<So, how can you contribute to our association? Do you think you have what it takes to be one of us?>> asked He-Man, seriously, doing the Gendo Pose.

<<It's me.>> was She-Ra's answer <<Your sister. Remember?>>

<<Right, where was I going with that bit?>> mused He-Man.

<<And I lost to this cretin for forty years...>> woed Skeletor, seriously considering to end his un-life there and at that moment.

<<You'll love it here, sis'!>> smiled He-Man <<They have this thing, on this planet, called chips. They're cooked and oiled roots, so good!>>

<<Cool, I also brought someone with me.>>

<<Nice. I always wanted to meet your kitty-cat girlfriend and welcome her into the family.>>

The silence was embarassing.

<<I... did not exactly specify I invited Catra...>> tried to explain She-Ra.

<<Then who--->>

And then the door to the local was opened by a tall, imposing, multi-eyed figure with long dreadlocks, who sent Skeletor in utter discomfort.

<<Ooooooooooooh shit it's Horde Prime.>>

<<Skeletor, you traitorous cur!>> snarled Horde Prime <<I did not forget how you turned your back to the Horde!>>

<<Big guy, everybody and their mothers betray you.>> scoffed Adora, unimpressed <<Never thought you might be the problem?>>

Leaving Horde Prime to threaten people, with only Skeletor paying attention to him, the two siblings started musing.

<<Speaking of Catra, Entrapta told me that your club might need a furry quota, to impress people on the internet.>>

<<Where do we find someone who is clearly a furry, but created for non-fetish reasons so that we can have plausible deniability in that regard?>>

The answer came with a tall lion-man, wearing a simple armor with an ornate gauntlet on the left hand, and carrying a sword.

<<Lion-O of the Thundercats is in the house, people!>> he saluted.

<<Nice, between us and him, the nostalgia factor will reach the ceiling in no time!>> answered Adora, bro-fisting the feline warrior.

<<Also, Mumm-Ra came along. Since the actually good reboot got scrapped in favor of the ridiculous, super-deformed one, he got so depressed I even lost the drive to chop him into pieces for brainwashing my waifu.>>

<<That's rough, man.>> He-Man consoled him, while Mumm-Ra was moving in his usual, decrepit way.

<<Yeah, so I resurrected one of your dead subject, forced her to believe that it was your fault for not saving her instead of mine for actually having her murdered with extreme prejudice, seduced her just to be a douchebag, ordered her to pretend to love you as a spy, and then rubbed it all in your fuzzy face. So what? I'm a villain, sue me!>>

<<Oh, there's also Stampede incoming...>> announced Skeletor, once Horde Prime calmed down.

<<Awesome!>> smiled He-Man <<Trigun is an excellent manga, and that goofball Vash will make this place real fun!>>

<<I said “Stampede”, not “Vash the”...>> specified Skeletor.

Smoke started filling the room, and soon it turned into the towering figure of a... thing.

Some sort of weird... bison... robot... I honestly don't know what kind of mistake of God this guy was even supposed to be.

Whatever it was, it also sported flayed forearms, a stegosaurus back decoration, and two pairs of Fu Manchu mustaches.

<<Ah, yeah, that dude.>> confirmed He-Man, recognizing the space-demon.

<<How do you recognize me?>> asked Stampede's snake-like voice <<We never had an official crossover...>>

<<Same author. By the way, where's Bravestarr?>>

<<Still busy being a marshal in Space Texas.>> shrugged Stampede.

<<Makes sense.> admitted Skeletor <<Now, we need someone who can work the organizational part of this Club... the money, for example. None of us has exactly the right skill-set for a mundane job that doesn't require to subvert the rules of nature...>>

<<I might be the one for the goal ahead...>> came a rasping, croaking, creepy voice.

A cloaked man in black, hunched and in need of a cane to walk, entered the Club, followed by an imposing figure in lucid, shiny black armor, with a helmet looking slightly like a samurai's one.

All the villain gave a sign of approval, as Sidious and Vader made their entrance.

<<How are you still alive?>> asked She-Ra instead.

<<The Dark Side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be... unnatural.>> answered Sidious, with his usual, unsettling, disquieting, uncomfortable, stranger-danger-inducing grin.

<<I can buy that.>> said He-Man, raising his hands <<How about you, Vader? Did Sidious bring you back from the dead with Sitch Alchemy, as well?>>

<<No, I simply can't stay dead because Disney keeps shoving me in every spin-off they can think off, in order to milk the fat cow of my popularity and iconic status as the most easily recognizable figure in the franchise.>>

<<Bummer.>> commented Lion-O.

While Sidious started inspecting the place, He-Man allowed himself to smile.

Yes.

Yes, this could work.

A club for cosmic people, without the need to fight each other: a neutral ground to just talk, and have fun, and relax outside of their eternal battles.

Nothing could go wrong.

Excerpt from the blog “The True Lighthouse”

Welcome back to the one blog that tells you the truth, all the truth, nothing but the truth, verified and confirmed by the highest authorities.

Here is your teller of truth, Truthful99, ready to educate you on how the world actually works.

I identified the secret base of the liberal elite ruling over Hollywood and controlling our once free and proud country from the shadows with their plutocratic power: it is a seemingly normal location, but behind the face of a simple game store, called “New Avalon”, hides a nefarious Marxist conspiracy, with the sole purpose of bringing down our glorious Nation.

Now, a Cultural Bolshevist might ask for something ludicrous, like “evidence”, or at the very least “clues”, pointing in that direction, but facts are easily corruptible by the Illuminati, therefore we will ignore them, for the sake of the argument.

Point is, I can't prove that I'm right, but everybody else can't prove I'm not right, therefore, since we are in America, where we have free speech, I will express my opinion freely.

Don't waste your time trying to prove me wrong or contradict me in the comments, you just can't, for two reasons:
First of all, I'm right, therefore I can't be proven wrong.

Second of all, I have the right to protect my freedom by canceling comments I don't like.

Anyhow, I was suspicious of “New Avalon” for quite some time: it was signaled to me by a certified intelligent person, the user John Lunch, who brought to my attention that said shop is, in fact, a covert operation to convert the American Youth to the Woke agenda, in order to make the new generations as weak as possible, to favor the conquest of the United States by Communist China and an alliance of Rogue Nations led by Canada.

Of course I, as a veteran of Vietnam, Afghanistan and Iraq, who also took part in the Pigs Bay offensive (by the way, we won that time, don't let the Dems tell you otherwise), could not accept such violation of American values, for which I sacrificed an eye and was tortured by the Mao-Mao, so I started asking for more details to plan a counter-attack.

The first evidence he generously provided was that the shop was selling miniatures for a war-game called “Warhammer 40,000”; the point is that said miniature were of the “T'au” faction.

The T'au, in case you didn't know, are literally Communist China in Space; someone might point out that the official position on the matter of the very producers of the game is that the T'au are, in fact, a mix of Imperialist Japan and Hyper-Nationalist India, but since considering this true would prove me wrong about something, we will rule it out as a lie.

Another relevant detail is that, underground, a group of losers led by one Connor Thompson (as soon as I have all of his personal information, I will post them here so everybody can give him a piece of his mind) meet to play TTRPGs: well, not only they let females participate (which goes against the rules of TTRPGs, in case you didn't know, because females always cheat to look better), but they even kicked John Lunch himself out.

Somebody might point out that John might have a personal vendetta against the shop for banning him, therefore what he said might be not totally true, but I'll prove you wrong in three simple steps:

1)He agrees with me, therefore he is trustworthy and right.

2)I believe it, therefore it's the truth.

3) Because shut up, that's why.

Since we well-established that this shop is a coven of cultural degeneracy, we can safely assume that it is the place where the Liberals meet in secret to abuse of children, in order to eat them in satanic rituals and to use their adrenochrome to stay eternally young.

I will keep you informed about this whole thing, and there will be a reckoning.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: and here is the first chapter of what I hope will be a long and funny story.

By the way, the original art was graciously provided by THIS guy: https://www.deviantart.com/gingerwarfare

Go take a look at his DeviantArt page, please and thank you.